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When the car backs through the front door of Milliways (turn around and drive out? With this thing's turning radius? HAH), it does so onto a New York City street paved in cobbles and surrounded by medium-sized buildings. It sits very still for a moment- there is, after all, no one else coming down the one-way street- and then eases forward into the Firehouse as if nothing unusual were happening.

Probably it's a good thing that no one noticed the rather conspicuous lack of driver.

Inside, a cot's been set up in the garage, right next to the electronic 'doghouse' where Francis deactivates at night. Under more normal circumstances it would be said that Ray was sleeping on it, only, well, he's currently operating a rather larger and significantly more wheeled body than he's used to. Said body lets out a very quiet little aaoogah noise from one of the sirens. Janine looks up from her desk, where she's keeping tabs on the situation. "Dr. Stantz? You okay there?"

"Yeah, Janine," he says in the slightly tinny voice the car's voice synthesizer insists on giving him. "I'm okay. How's she doing?"

"You left two seconds ago. She's exactly the same." Janine slides her glasses up her noise with one finger. "Anybody at Milliways have any ideas?"

"A couple. I've only just started asking. I did bring Bob back with me to see if he could help her adjust a little, at least until we get things put right."

Janine nods. "You three want some privacy in the meantime?"

"That might not be a bad idea. Thank you, Janine."

As Janine gathers up her papers and heads for the kitchen upstairs, Ray turns his attention to the data storage area that was the digitizing laser's target zone. "Bob? Can you hear me?"

Comments

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"Ohy," says Ecto. "Well... what did you do with all this squishy stuff? I don't think I like it very much."

"You can't see it from where you are, but she's referring to human internal anatomy," Ray's voice adds.

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"Nothing, really. It pretty much runs itself if you leave it alone." A beat. "You have been eating, right?"

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"Uh..."

"Soup counts, sweetie."

"Oh. Okay. Yeah. I've been eating, then."

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"You should try some other kinds of food," offers Bob. "One of the things I liked best about being human was all the different foods I could eat."

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"I told you, you're going to have to learn to chew, kiddo."

"Daaaaaaad, I've always lived off of liquids! I don't even know how to process solids!"

"It's not that hard to learn. The body knows what to do, honestly."

"Are you sure? Because I can't find any defaults in here..."

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"I told you, it'll run by itself. I guess you might need some practice chewing, but other than that..."

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Ecto sighs. "It's so weird. I can't get any kind of readout at all. All the data's totally qualitative, from every single part of the system. The way Uncle Egon talks, I thought humans were more precise than that."

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"Most of them aren't," says Bob. "For Users, everything's analog. They need special tools for precise measurement and calculation. That's what we're for."

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"ugh," says Ecto. "No offense, Daddy."

"None taken."

"I guess I can handle that, sorta, even if it's really really weird. I want to know about the rest of the stuff, though. It's like- do sprites have lubricant? Because cars do. And I think this body does, but it's all in its own system, not flowing around on other stuff."

"That would be the blood, Ecto."

"Oh. But there's stuff in it that affects me. I'm not supposed to get scared or angry because of some chemical in my lube or my gas or stuff like that."

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"Sprites have energy, not blood, but it's sort of similar," Bob replies. "But human bodies are more complex than sprite bodies, and they're a lot more complex than cars. A lot of things can affect them."

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"None of it makes any sense!" Ecto wails. "This whole body is built like one accident after another! Dad, why didn't you tell me that there was no quality control when they designed the human body?"

"A, because nobody did design the human body, and b, because I can honestly say that the prospect never came up before," Ray's voice answers. "Even by our standards this is a weird scenario."

"Human bodies are stupid."

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Bob winces in sympathy. Poor kid sounds like she's miserable.

"I know it's hard to deal with, Ecto," he says gently, "but it'll get better. You two will get switched back sooner or later, but in the meantime, you should treat this as an opportunity. How many programs get the chance to really understand what it's like to be human?"

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Ecto sighs; Bob can't see it, but she's got Ray's arms crossed over his chest, and she's trying really hard not to pout. "Oh, all right. I'll try," she says. "I still don't know what to do with half this stuff, though."

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"From what I can tell? Most humans don't, either," says Bob with a chuckle. "Anything specific you want to know?"

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"Well," says Ecto, "I've got more exhaust pipes than I know what to do with- and one of them's an intake as well as an output. That's just weird."

"We can go over the excretory system and the function of the nose in both inhaling and exhaling later, Ecto."

"Okay, okay, okay... How do you deal with the sensor limitations? I can only see what's right in front of me, and I can only see one spectrum. I don't even get FM radio any more."

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Welcome to my world, says Glitch. Bob ignores it.

"I found it helps to just be in familiar surroundings, and look around at everything really carefully to compare it to the senses you're used to," he says. "It's like recalibrating, basically."

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"That's gonna take a while," says Ecto. "But I guess it doesn't matter. Not like I can do much of anything anyway."

The car lets out an anguished-sounding little ghwarrrnk noise from the siren.

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"What's that supposed to mean?"

It's not clear whether Bob is addressing Ecto or Ray.

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"I was really good at being a car," says Ecto. "I could do that even before I woke up. I can't even do half the stuff that Daddy's supposed to do, 'cause I'm no good at being a squishy."

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"No one blames you for that, Ecto," says Bob. "You're not your dad. Stop worrying about what you can't do and focus on what you can."

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"Fine. We'd just better not have to save the world until Daddy and me are back to normal, that's all."

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Hoo boy. Bob thinks for a long moment before speaking again.

"Do you know what my function is, Ecto?"

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".... I don't think Daddy told me that," Ecto says after some thought. "Sorry?"

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"A Guardian's function is to Mend and Defend. My job--my purpose--is to protect the system and the people in it. It's coded into my protocol, I can't not do it.

"But when I was human, I didn't have that protocol anymore. I had free will for the first time, and it scared the bits out of me."

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"But I've always had-"

"Ecto, honey?" Ray's voice interrupts. "The free will isn't the critical element here. I think I see where Bob's going with this."

"Oh. Sorry, Daddy."

"It's not me you have to apologize to, kiddo."

"Sorry, Bob. I'm listening."

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Bob takes a deep breath and continues. "All sprites know their own purpose. It can change through upgrades, but there's never a time when we don't know what we are. When I lost that, I thought it was the end of the world.

"But after a while I came to realize something. Just because I didn't have the Guardian protocols compelling me to help people didn't make me not want to help. I could choose to protect the people I cared about.

"Helping people isn't just a part of what I am, it's a part of who I am. I'll bet it's a part of who you are, too. This von Stabbington guy has changed what you are, but not who you are. No one can change that."

A hesitant pause. "I don't know if that makes any sense, but..."

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There's silence for a while. Ray is sorely tempted to start humming under his breath, just to make sure that Bob knows nothing's gone wrong- it's just Ecto thinking. But finally she says, "Yeah... yeah, I think so. Thank you, Bob."

And even though he currently lacks lungs, Ray sighs in relief.

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If Ray could see Bob, he'd know that the Guardian was looking very relieved, as well.

"You're welcome, Ecto."

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"Think you're gonna be okay, kiddo?" Ray's voice asks.

"Yeah," says Ecto. "I am. Thank you too, Daddy."

"You're welcome, kiddo." It's said very fondly indeed. "Now, unless one of you has something else in mind, I should probably get Bob back to Milliways."

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"I think we're good. Ecto?"

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"I'm good," says Ecto. "Thank you for coming, Bob. Good luck in Mainframe."

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"Tell you what. Once this whole bodyswap thing gets fixed, I'll have Ray bring me back on a disk or something so we can meet properly. How does that sound?"

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"I'd like that,' says Ecto. "I'd like that a lot. Thank you!"

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"You're welcome. See you soon, I hope."